Tips for Dealing With Infertility During the Holidays

My advice for those dealing with infertility during the holidays with all their merriment, family togetherness & children

Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and New Year’s are joyous times, which is precisely why they can be extremely challenging for those struggling with infertility. All the togetherness, family, reflection on the blessings of the year and looking forward to the promise of the new year can present one long string of longing for those facing infertility for what they don’t have.

But that doesn’t mean people without the family they want due to the disease of infertility should avoid the holidays, the good times and the good things these celebrations represent. Those dealing with infertility during the holidays may just need a little help and perspective on how to cope during these happy times.

Everyone is affected differently and even at different times during the holidays, whether alone at home or in the middle of a gathering of family and friends. My basic advice is:

• Acknowledge your emotions.
• Establish a plan and set realistic expectations.
• Find your own way to enjoy all the goodness of the holidays.

Now let’s put that to work.

Acknowledge your emotions about the holiday season

Acknowledging how these times make you feel is the first step in taking control of the situation. Holiday sentiments are typically feelings of togetherness, joy, warmth, goodwill and thankfulness. These feel-good emotions can create the opposite feelings for people struggling to conceive, amplifying the up-and-down feelings infertility patients regularly experience.

• Ignoring such feelings or trying to push them aside when you’re not in that spirit does not make them go away. In fact, it can intensify them.
• Face the reality of your feelings head-on. Recognize your negative feelings, don’t stifle them. They are part of who you are. But don’t let them consume you; acknowledging them helps you manage them.
• Perhaps you feel resentful that others can enjoy themselves. That’s OK – and even a natural reaction for both women and men whose fertility challenges make it difficult to be joyful, warm and thankful.

Talk out feelings and thoughts about dealing with infertility during the holidays

For couples and individuals, discussing these feelings is very helpful. Partners can have different feelings about aspects of the holidays, and things can affect each of you differently. Individuals without a partner can discuss their feelings with a trusted family member or friend.

While having the discussion with someone else is a good way to bring your problems with holiday sentiments out into the open, it is something an individual can do themselves. This is also helpful for those with a trusted confidant. Internally acknowledging holiday difficulties can occur anytime, anywhere.

With or without leaning on a partner, friends or family members, infertility support groups can be particularly helpful during the holiday season.

Resolve, the National Infertility Association, provides access to three types of support groups: in-person, virtual and professionally led.

Establish a plan with realistic expectations for managing holiday events & feelings

Establish a plan for dealing with holiday events based on realistic expectations. These times of hope can ring false for people who do not have hopeful news on their attempts to conceive. Setting realistic expectations can reduce the pressure the holidays can create.

Map out your holiday season strategy ahead of time

• Prepare for the prospect of having negative feelings during the holidays, particularly at get-togethers. At such events you will likely experience envy for those with a family and sadness that you do not have one.
• You can’t expect to always be up for a cheerful event, so realize that you do not have to participate in all holiday events. It is OK to decline invitations – even to events you’ve gone to every year. Just explain that this isn’t a good year for you to attend.
• You should not feel guilty about prioritizing your own needs while experiencing the stress of infertility.

Have a plan for when you do go to holiday events

• Establish a signal for your partner that you need help getting out of a conversation or want to leave the event.
• For family Christmas dinners and such, arrive just before mealtime to avoid much of the mingling with nieces, nephews and other children, which can trigger your emotions.
• Be prepared to be asked about having children, which is often a relative’s question at family gatherings (see the list of comments to expect below). Plan ahead for the best way for you to respond. It’s your business and it is OK to be evasive.
• Anticipate and plan for moments when negative feelings might get the best of you. Stepping outside or to the restroom can give you the moments you need to compose yourself.

Find your own way to enjoy all the goodness of the holidays

Embrace the spirit of the holidays rather than hide from it, which is very difficult to do anyway. After all, joy, togetherness, thankfulness and celebration are good things. You may just need to adjust how you embrace them this season.

Your efforts in pursuing fertility treatment are a strong testament to your desire to enjoy all the pleasures of the holidays others are experiencing. You can accept the pleasure others are having by devising your own activities that allow you to enjoy yourself and loved ones. Simple things can distract you from the holidays and ground you in your own reality.

• Make holiday time “me time.” Create time for yourself to prioritize your well-being.
• Come up with your own non-holiday tradition: ice-fishing, a trip to the Bahamas, a thrift store shopping marathon – get creative!
• Make time to do things you find pleasure in, whether watching a funny movie, journaling your thoughts or preparing a great meal. It’s not selfish, it’s necessary.
• Plan a special event not related to the holiday season with just your partner or a close friend.
• Find fulfillment in shopping for others. It’s better to give than to receive; helping others can bring you true happiness.
• If being around children at gatherings is difficult for you, plan visits with friends and family that don’t have children.

In conclusion on dealing with infertility during the holidays

Coping with the holidays is a reality for many people with infertility. Everyone is affected in different ways, and there is no one-way to handle the unpleasant and sad feelings the holidays can bring on.

Being prepared by acknowledging the challenges that may come, having a plan and still embracing the goodness of the holidays can bring you peace and joy. Being wished “Happy Holidays!” does not have to be a debilitating salutation.